Last week in response to my Take Control of your Life: Explore the Inner World I was asked to describe how I applied awareness of thoughts and emotions in real life. So this entry is a log of all the thoughts and emotions that I saw throughout a day.

Background on Awareness

In my last post I described awareness as the following process:

You observe the external world by letting all the sights, sounds, smells etc enter you on their own.

You observe the internal world by listening for the occurrence of any thoughts (in the mind) and feeling for any emotions (in the body, generally the chest).

You have to look both internally and externally at the same time. Whenever a thought or emotion appears you let it go and go back to observing.

So essentially you spend each moment paying attention to your physical senses, at the same time as listening and feeling inside yourself.

I try to apply this in every moment. The only time I have found it to not really be possible is when I am actively (concentrated, deliberate) thinking (using the mind). However I can be aware between these deliberate thoughts.

So in every moment throughout my day I try to push my attention to take more in from my physical senses and also be alert to internal thoughts and feelings. That is how you apply awareness throughout your day, in every moment just push yourself to use it.

Summary of Observations

I found out very quickly that there was no way I was going to be able to write down all the thoughts and feelings I saw (I already knew this offcourse). I have only listed about 200 thoughts/feelings and I stopped writing them down when I got off the train at about 4pm, so about 7 hours worth. The things noted down are generally abbreviations of a couple of thoughts. There are heaps(thousands) of thoughts I saw but could not write down because I was driving etc.. Consequently I forgot them before I could write them down. I found myself spending maybe 33% of my time writing down the thoughts I saw. Way too long!

Some observations:

• Less thoughts/feelings occur when you are concentrated on an activity
• Lots of thoughts occur about other thoughts you have seen when you try to watch them. This is the biggest trap that stops you from being aware
• A lot of thoughts repeat themselves at different times of the day
• Thoughts of ‘major’ events in the future or past often occur (such as when I was going to meet my friend I kept having imaginary conversations with him in my head)
• Bright ideas and constructive ramblings/daydreaming always take me from being in awareness where real peace and happiness is found. They are no good.

To Ari and Evelyn who asked for the journal: If this is not the style of journal (different focus) you were after please let me know in the comments and I will try to provide extra information. In each moment I always try to push to be aware no matter what task I’m doing, so all that is left is me doing a task and being aware or a thought/feeling being present.

I hope this is useful.

Awareness Log

Legend:

• Small headings indicate different major activities in the day

• Italic text represents a emotion or a thought (or what the thought was thinking
• Regular text represents a minor physical event, or a note on something

WAKING UP

• I wake up and close my eyes to try and remember my dreams clearer. I keep falling back to sleep.
  
• Thoughts(T) on how to write journal keep appearing
  
• T on checking blog statistics
  
• Emotion(E) Lazy towards getting started writing down thoughts
• T about how short time it has been since starting writing down thoughts and how impossible it is to write them all down
  
• T running commentary on what I’m doing
  
• T I’ll get nothing done if I keep writing these down
  
• T about how to present this data
  
• T that the same thoughts keep popping up
  
• T about not remembering thoughts
  
• E fear of other people reading this
  
• T need to read book for work

SHOWERING

• Notice the shower head is leaking
  
• E fear that telling mum will stress her
  
• T not going to remember all these thoughts
  
• I push extra hard to be in the present and a wave of peace appears
• I see the shower head again
• T about mums reaction
  
• T about meeting my friend today and they will think of this
  
• T daydreaming about meeting a blogger in randomly in the city
  
• E Annoyed at not being able to wear best clothes today as am saving them for the trip

ON COMPUTER CHECKING BLOGS AND EMAIL

• T concern about best way to respond to a comment
  
• I see someone linked to one of my blog articles in their post
  
• E fear in chest
  
• T what did they say about it
  
• I click the wrong button
  
• E annoyance flares
  
• E swaying with sound of the washing machine
  
• Trying on new pants, I see there is still a pin in the leg
  
• E relief that I saw it before putting leg in
  
• T to tell mum about pin
  
• T about telling mum after thinking of telling mum
  
• E Nervous when being shown some sewing tips
  
• Looking at nowdothis.com E confusion T no logging in E negativity towards it T Can I use it
  
• T I’m cold
  Push for awareness, feeling the wood of the seat. I feel a greater sense of peace
  
• T Interesting how when I focus on being more aware, I feel greater peace
  
• T Oh I have to buy deodorant
  
• E Nervous as I step over things on floor
  
• T Thought about seeing nervousness
  
• T Should I have water or juice?
  
• T Is that my glass from before?
  
• T Haven’t been many thoughts since I started reading and scouring the blogs
  
• T urging me to write plan for software idea
  
• T Should practice martial arts before grading
  
• E nervous about starting new job on monday
  
• E fear not finishing reading pre-reading book
  
• T I should read now, have I got time
  
• E urge to go for a walk to relax
  
• T See how crafty emotions are, the very stress is trying to tell me how to relax
  
• T I have less thoughts going on when I am busy
  
• T When should I eat lunch? How much time do I have
  
• T Your tripping out man
  
• T laughing at last thought
  
• E ‘happiness’ of laughing
  
• T Check train timetable
  
• T Don’t have to start work till 10 on monday
  
• E nervous about starting work
  
• T This takes up so much time writing down thoughts
  
• T Should be calling these automatic thoughts
  
• E Annoyance at always saving after I type
  
• T How many am I gonna have at end of the day
  
• T I should eat
  
• T Haven’t checked the train table yet
  
• T Ah going around in circles
  
• T That is the 3rd phone call in a minute
  
• T Say hello to brother when he walks in
  
• T Wonder how many blog views I have
  
• (without checking) E Sadness T I don’t have many
  
• T I wonder if my adds are earning anything
  
• T Oh yeah, train timetable
  
• E Very faint disgust at seeing a notice saying HTML loading
  
• T Tries to justify disgust
  
• T This is a better site for getting timetables from
  
• T Have to scroll so far down!
  
• T Doesn’t make sense
  
• T Oops I made a mistake
  
• T Mmm Salsa
  
• T I have to fill in my grading forms
  
• E Embarrassment showing mum a friend doing kenbu
  
• T http://www.arielbravy.com/enlightenment/defending-belief-systems/ makes a good point about not being able to exactly express experience
• T Blog views are steadily increasing

DRIVING TO TRAIN STATION

• T about different ways to write down thoughts
  
• I slow down as I see a potential problem with traffic up ahead, it clears.
• Further up the road, at the last minute a car swerves out in front of me and I have to break hard
  
• E Anger flares
  
• I push out of anger
  
• E Annoyance arrives watching the driver in my mirror
  
• T of anger towards him
  
• Breaking free of these thoughts and feelings I’m meeting with a wonderful feeling of peace
  
• T hope I make it through these lights
  
• Train is about to arrive at station, I’m still in the carpark
  
• T oh well I left enough time such that I can catch the next train
  
• I pay for my ticket with a whole bunch of spare change, somehow I manage to casually get on that train just before it leaves

ON TRAIN

• Man sits directly opposite me in a largely empty train
  
• E fear flares then anger
  
• T annoyed thoughts at the man
  
• E laughter at funny sign (the emotion is coupled with an attachment to ‘that is so true’
  
• T how can I investigate the nature of laughter or the desire to laugh
  
• See a car outside window
  
• T they are driving on the wrong side of the road, oh, no they aren’t
  
• T telling friend how much I’ve written and how little it is in comparison to all the thoughts seen
  
• T I feel more peaceful around nature
  
• T she is cute
  
• T It is wonderful to be around nature
  
• T Should I edit out any of these?
  
• Hear a beggar sounding voice from behind in the train
  
• E fear of voice
  
• T daydreaming about future conversation with friend
  
• T that car is gonna hit the other one (it misses)
  
• T how many lines are on a page?
  
• T I can’t write down every thought I see
  
• E laziness
  
• T about buying ticket for brother at next station
  
• T wonderful view of the city
  
• T Did they misspell that bit of graffiti?
  
• T that thought will get a laugh
  
• T see how many thoughts are to do with other writen down thoughts
  
• T will I ever be free?
  
• T Was that their thought or mine?
  
• T Will they think I’m crazy?
  
• T about employees (who I haven’t met) of my new job starting soon
  
• T thinking about future conversation with friend
  
• T are we almost at the station yet?
  
• T not really that many thoughts here on paper
  
• T thinking of introduction to this post
  
• T that sun is very bright and annoying
  
• T about future conversation with friend
  
• T not that many thoughts occuring at the moment
  
• T arriving at the station, must write faster
  
• T I can’t write down thoughts without my A4 book
  
• T hurry and pack away book, getting off
  
• I get out my pocket notepad so I can keep writing down thoughts
  
• T about being so cool being to switch easily to a small notepad

GETTING OFF TRAIN WALKING TO MEET FRIEND

• T Do I know her?
  
• E fear walking between busy crowd
  
• T should I buy tickets here?
  
• E disgust of person throwing up
  
• T + E Area is so busy
  
• T He looks familiar
  
• Some smokers walking in front of me
  
• T I hate the smell of smoke
  
• I have trouble finding the right street
  
• T lucky I caught the early train
  
• Walking along street noticing the architecture and other senses I’m filled with peace and joy appears, I smile
  
• T no starbucks here
  
• A pigeon flies low and towards me
  
• E fear of being hit by the pigeon
  
• E fear of talking about blog
  
• E fear of talking to boss

DURING CONVERSATION

• Friend brings up the topic of what else I’m doing apart from the new job
  
• E fear of what friend will think of blog
  
• Friend leaves and talking to boss for job finishing up
  
• E strong fear keeps occurring in chest while listening to boss praise me

WALKING BACK TO TRAIN STATION

• Walking back towards the train and pay more attention to my senses, a great sense of peace fills me and I can’t help but smile
  
• T Need to send my email to my friend
• E fear of guy walking, swaying in my direction with a bottle of something in his hand

ON TRAIN AGAIN

• I see a building under construction
  
• T about why certain elements of the structure are the way they are
  
• T about what I recently read in a software engineering book
  
• E desire to be loved
  
• T poor girl (in front of me) has a cold
  
• T thinking about hypothetical situations
  
• T about previous conversation with friend
  
• T daydreaming about hypothetical situations
  
• T daydreaming more
  
• T that is a cool shirt
  
• T my station is next

AFTER TRAIN

• T about software application ideas
  
• T daydream about potential logos
  
• T about new blog
  
• T about new blog designs

Afterthoughts

See how crazy our days are?

Filled with daydreams of the future and irrational fears. All of which take us away from peace and happiness.

This is why I stress the need to try to be aware, so we can break free of this.