Fear and the Pizza Man
A real life story about fear and the pizza man.
So there I was, walking down to buy some pizza for dinner.
It was dark and cold, the wind biting through cloth and skin alike. It reminded me of walking through a freezer with the fans on. With hands in pockets to stop them turning purple I continued towards the little pizza shop on the corner of the arcade.
Entering inside the warmth is comforting. It really is a small shop, with about 3 tables inside before reaching the counter. The shop clearly focuses on take-away sales.
I stand at the counter, waiting to be served. The staff are about a meter away from me, mostly high school kids, chatting loudly as they make pizzas. They don’t seem to have noticed me.
I notice a bell on the counter, ‘ring for service’. Consider the staff is so close to me I feel it would be unnecessary to ring. I remember how it used to make me feel when a customer would make a fuss when I was moments away from them.
Waiting I watch myself carefully. No emotions are active in my chest, a good sign. I used to feel irritation(anger) when I was waiting unnoticed before, progress has been made.
One of the staff sees me and comes over apologising briefly for keeping me waiting and then asks me for my order. He is covered with flour, unkempt hair and a face contusion that indicates a short temper.
When he gets across from me I notice a sensation in my chest, cramping me up. Fear. I maintain separation and it starts subsiding quickly. I speak my order carefully, watching for re-occurrences.
Taking a seat to wait for the pizzas to be cooked I look around, seeing everything and listening to all the sounds. It is quite interesting all the different sounds that go on, the feel of the table under my hand.
The chef starts singing loudly. My enjoyment of peace is shattered not by the singing but rather by the emotion that bursts into my chest. It is like when I was being served but stronger, it shoots in and makes me feel like I am shrinking. My perception of the room changes and there is a sensation in my chest that suggest that the room is very oppressing. I notice my shoulders raise a little and my arms coming closer to my body.
I remain separated and start removing each element. It takes a bit longer than it did at the counter because I did not catch it in the very first instant and it is stronger. The emotions reduce until they dissapear all together, my body relaxes.
The room returns to its original size and peace returns to me. A smile creeps onto my face as I listen to the dissonant harmony between the chef and the oven. The fear doesn’t return.
Analysis of the Event
As you can see, my fears occurred totally irrational. The pizza chef meant no harm in his boisterous singing, yet if I had of let the emotions continue to build they would have been mildly crippling.
This is a simple example of what happens every day in life. It could be in the crowded que of a supermarket, the entrance to your new job or on public transport.
There are little events scattered throughout our days that bring up lots of tiny fears. If we don’t notice them they steal our energy and take away our peace and happiness.
We retire to our homes feeling safe again, somewhat. Wishing we didn’t have to go through those events that make us feel uncomfortable even though we don’t realise why.
Watch yourself and you can learn how to set yourself free.
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August 26th, 2008 at 1:45 am
How beautifully you write! I was with you from the start and could feel myself tensing up and dreading what you might say. When I got to the part that it was nothing and that there was a change in atmosphere, I breathed a sigh of relief. I enjoyed what you’ve got to share on lessons in this post!
August 26th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Hey Jarrod, I really like how connected you are with your internal state and how efficiently you go in and let go of the fears and emotional turbulence. It’s funny how silly our fears can be when we look straight at them.
August 27th, 2008 at 12:08 am
@Evelyn: I’m glad you go something out of it and even happier that you noticed what was happening inside of you. I might write some more of this sort of post in the future.
@Ariel: Thanks Ariel. The fears are silly for those of us who see them, a tragedy for everyone else :(.
August 30th, 2008 at 7:02 am
Jarrod, I enjoyed your story and hearing how your processed the fear and calmed yourself down. Concentrating on our breathing along greater awareness appears to be the answer to almost everything.
November 19th, 2008 at 9:56 am
Hi Jarrod, great post! Very simple but something I can certainly relate to (often it seems the simple things are the most profound). Could you possibly go a bit further into what you mean when you say you “maintain seperation” or “remain seperated”? Seperated from what? It is an interesting use of language. Thanks, Jacob
November 19th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
@Jacob: Separating ‘you’ from your thoughts/emotions.
If you have the understanding that ‘you’ are something that is separate from your thoughts/emotions then it is possible to drive a knife between them and see the gap.
When you distinguish between yourself and thoughts there is a gap, this is the act of remaining separated.
When you become lost in your thoughts or identified with thoughts and emotions then you lose the gap and ‘become’ your thoughts and emotions.
So as long as you are observing your thoughts/emotions from a kind of 3rd person that you maintaining a separation between you and them.
November 20th, 2008 at 2:16 am
Hi Jarrod - thanks for the response, that certainly makes things a lot clearer.
I agree that it can be a trap to become lost in thoughts/emotions, yet I am also curious about what it means to “separate” yourself from something occuring within your experience. Spiritual teachers often talk of “ending division”, “allowing”, accepting your experiences rather than pushing them away. I am curious how this meets with the idea of “maintaining a separation between you and them”. I suppose it is a matter of seeing that YOU are not your experiences, yet still allowing them. Perhaps seeing that YOU are not your experiences provides the space to allow them to be as they are.
These are some thoughts that spring to mind anyway! Thanks for providing the springboard!
November 23rd, 2008 at 12:50 pm
@Jacob: This indeed a tough topic to intellectually discuss.
I am this thing, and then there is this other thing called thoughts/emotions. Then there is also the physical world.
I manipulate the physical world with what I call hands.
I manipulate thoughts and emotions with what I call mind.
I am not these things, I interact with them.
What am I? I am nothing, I am everything.
Sometimes I see the world as everything I am, other times as separate from me. Sometimes both ways at the same time.
Confusing? The mind can’t really understand this, it can only be felt by practicing watching the internal and external life moment by moment.
November 26th, 2008 at 2:44 am
Thanks Jarrod - I know that these things are not easily put into words but that was quite well put.